Sometimes, my negative voice starts talking. How do you talk yourself through the hard times?
When Life Feels Too Hard
“Everything always works out eventually. This will, too. And if it doesn’t work out, that means I’m dead, so it won’t matter anyway.”
“Anything is possible, even this.”
“Just put one foot in front of the other.”
When I’m Too Scared to Take a Risk
“It’s better to try and fail than to not try at all.”
“I need to do this. Otherwise I’ll always wonder, ‘What if I’d had the courage?’”
When I’m Lusting After Something I Can’t Afford
“If I had that, I’d probably be really unhappy.”
When I’m Wallowing in Self Pity
“Build a bridge and get over it.”
“There are much worse things than this.”
“This, too, shall pass.”
When I Feel Overwhelmed
“I’ll get it all done. I just might not get it all done today.”
“Am I really going to care about this when I am on my deathbed?”
When I Feel Like a Good-for-Nothing Loser that My Own Dog Doesn’t Love
“I’m definitely going to get my period tomorrow.”
When I’m Mad at My Husband
“Someone has to be the big person here. He’s obviously not going to be that person, so it’s going to have to be me.”
When I’m Tempted to Skip Sex, Exercise or Meditation
“I’ll feel better when it’s over.”
“If I don’t do this, the Negative Voices will take over. No one wants that.”
When I Feel Mean Mommy About to Surface
“If I die of a massive heart attack right now, do I really want my last words to be, “Stop acting like such a brat”?”
“Just close your mouth and walk away from the child.”
“Ignore her. Ignore her. Ignore her. Ignore her. Ignore her. Ignore her.”
When Mean Mommy Surfaces Anyway
“My mom told me that I got on her last nerve about 6 billion times, and I turned out all right.”
“She’s going to end up in therapy whether I slip up and call her a brat or not. Stop feeling so guilty.”
“At least I’m not as bad as that lady on Halloween who cursed her kid out because her kid wouldn’t walk up to a door to get more candy. Now that’s a kid who will end up in therapy.”
When Someone Leaves a Nasty Comment on My Blog
“That says more about her/him than it says about me.”
What are the things that you tell yourself during life’s harder moments?
Friday, April 8, 2011
Today's words of wisdom...
Courage doesn't always roar.
(From "This is Not the Life I Ordered")
(From "This is Not the Life I Ordered")
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Thursday, April 7, 2011
From Twitter -
"BoyFacts: "A boy will love a million girls, but a man will love one girl, a million ways" -- anonymous"
--http://twitter.com/BoyFacts/status/56184708316401664
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Wanted:
WANTED: Beautiful, educated, intelligent woman with fast metabolism. Ability to nurture, arouse, earn large income, impress everyone, and read bedtime stories a must. Housekeeping skills a plus.
This is a tall order for today's woman. As unrealistic as it is, why do we continue to respond to this high-pressure fantasy?
This is a tall order for today's woman. As unrealistic as it is, why do we continue to respond to this high-pressure fantasy?
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Monday, March 14, 2011
Day 1...
Day 1: A picture and ten facts about me....
1. I'm scared of heights.
2. I hate the fact that I'm getting older. Trying to compete with younger women is a bitch.
3. I have a son. He ROCKS! :)
4. My favorite color is black.
5. I set all of my clocks seven to ten minutes ahead because I don't like being late...it doesn't always help, though.
6. I have two tattoos.
7. I have a bit of an addictive personality.
8. I love to cook.
9. I am a sun-worshiper.
10. I LOVE to fly! I'm like a big kid at the airport and on planes! :)
1. I'm scared of heights.
2. I hate the fact that I'm getting older. Trying to compete with younger women is a bitch.
3. I have a son. He ROCKS! :)
4. My favorite color is black.
5. I set all of my clocks seven to ten minutes ahead because I don't like being late...it doesn't always help, though.
6. I have two tattoos.
7. I have a bit of an addictive personality.
8. I love to cook.
9. I am a sun-worshiper.
10. I LOVE to fly! I'm like a big kid at the airport and on planes! :)
31 DAY PICTURE CHALLENGE
I actually saw this on a friend's facebook page a week or so ago, and thought it would be fun to do. It's called the "31 day picture challenge." Here is the list of things. Try it for yourself!
Day 01 - A picture of yourself with ten facts
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show
Day 04 - A picture of your night
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the craziest things with
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate
Day 12 - A picture of something you love
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity
Day 19 - A picture and a letter
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change
Day 25 - A picture of your day
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss
Day 31 - A picture of yourself
Day 01 - A picture of yourself with ten facts
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show
Day 04 - A picture of your night
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the craziest things with
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate
Day 12 - A picture of something you love
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity
Day 19 - A picture and a letter
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change
Day 25 - A picture of your day
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss
Day 31 - A picture of yourself
Miranda Lambert - More Like Her
This song has been on my mind all day.
"You had it all for a pretty little while
And somehow you made me smile when I was sad
You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart
And then you realized you wanted what you had
I guess I should have been more like that
I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserve
I guess I should have been more like her."
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Thursday, June 10, 2010
He doesn't want a relationship...
You're happily seeing a guy, things seem to be going great, and then he turns to you and says, "Just so you know, I'm not ready for a relationship."
Is there anything more frustrating?
It's frustrating because he gave you every signal that he liked you and wanted to be with you, and now he's turned your world on its head. And you're thinking, "Have I imagined things? Did I do something wrong?" And so on...
What you DON'T do now is tell yourself, "He's afraid of getting hurt," or, "He doesn't know what he wants. I'll convince him he wants a relationship with me."
You see, it's not your job now to to concern yourself with his fears or what you perceive as his confusion at this point. Your only concern is to take what he said (i.e., "I don't want a relationship") at face value.
HERE'S WHAT YOU DO INSTEAD
He says, "Just so you know, I'm not ready for a relationship."
You say, "What are you ready for?"
He says (usually something to this effect), "I just want to keep things light right now," or, "I just want to have a little fun."
You say, "Interesting." Pause. Then you say, "You see, this is what I'm ready for. I'm ready to love someone who loves me back. I'm ready to wake up in the morning next to that person, make him my best friend, and have fun with him for the rest of my life."
By doing this, you haven't just told him, "I WANT A RELATIONSHIP," you've defined exactly what kind of relationship you want (I'm assuming this is what you want,as opposed to finding a man to marry to get your mother off your back). Perhaps his definition of"relationship" was different from yours, and now you've definitely clarified it for him.
What's more, you've clarified your intention to yourself, to God, and the universe.(This is extremely powerful.)
Now you tell the guy goodnight, goodbye, whatever.
You have given him something huge to think about, so give him ample time to think about it. It's entirely possible that no woman has ever spoken quite so clearly to him before. He may:
a) Never see you again (which would be a good thing because no woman is ever going to convince a man to have a relationship he doesn't want. This saves you loads of time and aggravation).
b) Realize that, hey, he'd never thought of a relationship the way you described itbefore. It actually sounds attractive. Realize that, hey, I really like this girl, and maybe I shouldn't let her go so easily.
c) Figure what the heck and continue calling you with the sole intention of making out. He figures since he made his intentions known, his conscience is clear. (If he does this, he is telling you in no uncertain terms that he is a slime and unworthy of living in your head for one more second.)
Determining whether his behavior falls into b) or c) can be tricky. The key is tomake sure his actions match his words (I mentioned this briefly in an earlier email, but it's critical to your happiness).
If he continues to say he doesn't want a relationship but keeps trying to get physical (or texts you all the time, or shows up unexpectedly with a dopey smileon his face), he's being slimey.
He's not being fair, and he's not being your friend. Hold out for a much better man.
He's out there.
Is there anything more frustrating?
It's frustrating because he gave you every signal that he liked you and wanted to be with you, and now he's turned your world on its head. And you're thinking, "Have I imagined things? Did I do something wrong?" And so on...
What you DON'T do now is tell yourself, "He's afraid of getting hurt," or, "He doesn't know what he wants. I'll convince him he wants a relationship with me."
You see, it's not your job now to to concern yourself with his fears or what you perceive as his confusion at this point. Your only concern is to take what he said (i.e., "I don't want a relationship") at face value.
HERE'S WHAT YOU DO INSTEAD
He says, "Just so you know, I'm not ready for a relationship."
You say, "What are you ready for?"
He says (usually something to this effect), "I just want to keep things light right now," or, "I just want to have a little fun."
You say, "Interesting." Pause. Then you say, "You see, this is what I'm ready for. I'm ready to love someone who loves me back. I'm ready to wake up in the morning next to that person, make him my best friend, and have fun with him for the rest of my life."
By doing this, you haven't just told him, "I WANT A RELATIONSHIP," you've defined exactly what kind of relationship you want (I'm assuming this is what you want,as opposed to finding a man to marry to get your mother off your back). Perhaps his definition of"relationship" was different from yours, and now you've definitely clarified it for him.
What's more, you've clarified your intention to yourself, to God, and the universe.(This is extremely powerful.)
Now you tell the guy goodnight, goodbye, whatever.
You have given him something huge to think about, so give him ample time to think about it. It's entirely possible that no woman has ever spoken quite so clearly to him before. He may:
a) Never see you again (which would be a good thing because no woman is ever going to convince a man to have a relationship he doesn't want. This saves you loads of time and aggravation).
b) Realize that, hey, he'd never thought of a relationship the way you described itbefore. It actually sounds attractive. Realize that, hey, I really like this girl, and maybe I shouldn't let her go so easily.
c) Figure what the heck and continue calling you with the sole intention of making out. He figures since he made his intentions known, his conscience is clear. (If he does this, he is telling you in no uncertain terms that he is a slime and unworthy of living in your head for one more second.)
Determining whether his behavior falls into b) or c) can be tricky. The key is tomake sure his actions match his words (I mentioned this briefly in an earlier email, but it's critical to your happiness).
If he continues to say he doesn't want a relationship but keeps trying to get physical (or texts you all the time, or shows up unexpectedly with a dopey smileon his face), he's being slimey.
He's not being fair, and he's not being your friend. Hold out for a much better man.
He's out there.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Exiting the plan...
Men. Pffft. I'm done. Taking a break from them.
“I wish my mother had told me the same thing about horror movies and guys when I was little- 'Don't worry, honey, it's all fake.”
“Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.”
I need some time to regroup. *sigh*
“I wish my mother had told me the same thing about horror movies and guys when I was little- 'Don't worry, honey, it's all fake.”
“Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.”
I need some time to regroup. *sigh*
Sunday, March 28, 2010
He's Just Not That Into You...
Excerpts from
He's Just Not That Into You
by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
He's Just Not That Into You
by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
- Cut your losses and don't waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it? Fine. Here's the answer you're looking for, "Hang in there, baby. He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!" But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship.
- He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.
- Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We (men) like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do.
- Don't let the "honeys" and the "babys" fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than "I'm just not that into you." Remember, actions speak louder than, "There's no cell reception where I am right now."
- Calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside.
- He will always be able to play the "friend" card on you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. He's got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to. He may be one of your closest friends, but I'm sorry to say ... as a boyfriend, he's just not that into you.
- Beware of the word "friend". It can often be used by men or the women that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior. Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.
- I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.
- Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn't want to get married or doesn't believe in marriage, or has "issues" with marriage, will ... rest assured ... someday be married. It just will never be with you.
- Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us. I understand. What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn't want you in his life anymore ... his sad, wistful, "I miss you so much" voice on the other end of the phone? It's validating. It's exciting. It's irresistible. But resist you must.
- A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you.
- Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.
- It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.
- Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.
- Don't confuse being classy with being a doormat. Classy is walking away with your head held high, graciously, and with all dignity. Being a doormat is offering to drive him to the dentist for his root canal.
- Breakups, I've heard, are supposed to be just that. Breaks. Hard, clean breaks. No talking, no seeing, no touching ... keep your hands to yourself. The relationship is over. Half the people I know move after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me. You're not supposed to sleep with the guy who just broke your heart a week ago. Fine. Next time I'm in this situation I'll cry. Stay in bed and wail. Go to the gym if I can. Call all my friends and burden them with my misery. Sleep too much. Cry some more. See my therapist more often. Get a puppy. Do whatever I have to so eventually I can move on.
- Cut him off. Let him miss you.
- He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.
- There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.
- Don't give him the chance to reject you again.
- No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.
- Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn't honor the person you are is worse.
- Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.
- You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.
Monday, February 22, 2010
...The guys that we find instantly attractive are often the worst possible choice for a girl who wants to move away from a life fraught with anxiety, drama, and pain. It's entirely possible that your picker is off, and that alone is the root of your problems." Amen, sister. My picker is WAY off...
Found this on the internet. Love it...
This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.
This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.
This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.
This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.
This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.
So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.
So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)
Found this on the internet. Love it...
This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.
This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.
This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.
This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.
This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.
So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.
So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Why Women Sleep With Men
He bought dinner. I was bored. He'll do the chores. The unromantic truth about why women sleep with men
By Flic EverettLast updated at 7:44 AM on 09th September 2009
By Flic EverettLast updated at 7:44 AM on 09th September 2009
Not long ago, I was talking to a single friend about her recent conquest.
'To be honest, I only slept with him out of politeness,' she admitted. I was not surprised - as women's labyrinthine reasons for having sex go, that's pretty basic, stock-in-trade stuff.
Perhaps men will find that a little shocking, depressing even. But they shouldn't. Indeed, they wouldn't if we hadn't all been fed a Utopian myth that men and women have sex purely because they're crazed with lust for each other - or, in a long-term partnership, because they still adore each other.
'Yawn...Still, at least this means he'll take the bins out!'
Any woman past the age of 16 knows what idealistic nonsense this is - and finally, there's research to prove it. As the Mail reported yesterday, in a new book, Why Women Have Sex, 1,000 women were interviewed about their real reasons for saying 'Yes' when they could have said 'No'. Boredom, winning favours and to get rid of a headache were high up the list.
These results suggest that comparing the intricate physiological and emotional strata of the female sex drive with the blunt male urge to 'Just do it' is like comparing a tin opener with the Large Hadron Collider.
For most women, passionate desire languishes in the lower reaches of the list, somewhere below 'to get presents from him,' 'to shut him up' and even 'for fun'.
(It's striking that there's no mention of 'Because I was drunk', yet millions of men would testify to the fact that their chances sky rocket when a woman has had a few glasses of wine.)
Given a choice, girls prefer tall men with symmetrical features and deep voices - which suggests the female sex drive is, above all, evolutionary, because they believe such men will provide them with healthy children.
But once we've realised he's lacking in other areas or the passion has ebbed away, the reasons to have sex become far more mundane, or even acquisitive, such as 'So he'll take the rubbish out' or 'Because he took me for a meal'. The key finding of the book is that men are, on some level, physically attracted to most women, yet women are left sexually cold by most men.
In this light, feminism's eagerness to persuade women to have sex only when we experience knee-trembling desire seems naive. Endless books and articles have been written extolling our right to enjoy earth-shaking orgasms amid a whirring Rolodex of thrilling positions.
Taboo: Women are still swapping sex for perks and lying back for the sake of a quiet life
But they overlook the elephant in the room - long-term, a woman's sex drive is rarely equal to a man's.
On the whole, we are not instantly aroused by a glimpse of Calvin Klein waistband. We seldom engage in heated fantasies over semi-naked strangers. Pornographic magazines for women have invariably failed, because we don't respond visually or instantly to crass sexual stimuli.
Instead, female sexual response is as intricate as a weaver bird's nest - a complex interlacing of disparate feelings, needs and promises.
Initial physical attraction may be driven by simple hormones - but later in a relationship, the primary sexual mover for many women is a desire for emotional connection.
The old chestnut that men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love has some truth: men feel validated by sexual connection; women crave understanding and closeness.
They could spend hours exploring their own most complex feelings and their partner's deepest fears and joys - and watch him quake under the onslaught. Or they can engage with him physically and reap the emotional benefits of post-coital intimacy.
The book claims 84 pc of women have sex simply to keep their partners quiet or to get help with the chores.
You may feel shocked at the hint of prostitution - the bartering of our bodies for a bit of DIY - but within a committed relationship is it truly so different from any other trade- off which ultimately nets both participants what they want?
Women have always been practical when it comes to ensuring their comfort and security - and sex is an immensely valuable commodity.
Hidden agenda: 84 pc of women interviewed have sex simply to keep their partners quiet or to get help with the chores
Some women admitted having sex 'for presents' - but I suspect that the reasons behind that bald claim are more complicated. Many women who suffer low self-esteem, or have been damaged by male rejection or even abuse, feel validated only when they're admired.
Being given gifts in return for sexual favours isn't necessarily the hardnosed horse-trading it appears, given that plenty of the women surveyed also admitted to having sex 'so that men will like them'.
Often, women who grew up fatherless or who have had chequered relationships with men find they have no blueprint for relating to men any way other than sexually.
The authors also found that women have sex in a bid to 'win' - to poach a man from another women or to secure his long-term commitment.
Then there's 'jealousy' sex, which involves having sex with someone else to re-ignite a partner's interest. Callous, yes, but most of us are not above a certain amount of low-down scheming when it comes to sex.
Less shameful triggers for liaisons include the desire for peace and quiet, to cure a headache, even just to see how sex with someone new feels - and when you come to reasons like that, it's clear that we are a long way from champagne and flowers.
So, should we really be shocked by these findings? Some people will find them refreshingly honest, others depressing. They will bemoan the fact that 40 years after Cosmopolitan explained we were supposed to have orgasms, too, women are still swapping sex for household chores and lying back for the sake of a quiet life.
The truth is that we are all victims of our biology - the human race can prosper without women's orgasms, or even any enjoyment of sex, so we have to find other reasons to make love.
Whether it's for a new carpet, out of politeness, in the search for emotional intimacy, admiration or simply because we feel like it, the end result is the same.
SO WHAT DOES MAKE US SAY YES? SIX WOMEN SHAMELESSLY REVEAL ALL
VIRGINIA IRONSIDE
I've had sex for loads of reasons, love and romance often being the motivating force.
But I do remember once being taken out to dinner by a man who inveigled me back to his flat and suggested we had sex.
I didn't fancy him, and it hadn't occurred to me to have sex with him, but he then delivered the extraordinary line: 'Oh, come on. It'll take only a couple of minutes.'
I was so astonished at this, and felt it was such a reasonable request, that I complied. And, true to his word, two minutes later it was all over!
MARCELLE D'ARGY SMITH
He arrived from Australia to stay for a couple of nights. A hugely successful, driven man who'd recently had a stroke. Yes, he was lean and attractive, but we were old friends.
I'd promised him: 'Own room, own shower, own cat.' He said he'd do without the cat.
He arrived on Saturday. We had dinner with friends. Sunday morning, as I was making him coffee in my nightdress, he suddenly kissed my back. Normally, I'd have said 'Get off' and laughed him away.
But it was a tender kiss. And I had heard that men who have had strokes and cancer lose their sexual confidence. What would it cost me to make him feel better? He was staying for only two nights. It was rather like a mercy mission. 'Go back to bed and I'll join you,' I said.
The Sunday morning sex was melting and wonderful. We stared at each other in amazement. It was the start of a poignant love affair. And it might never have happened.
Liz Jones: 'I locked my fingers in his, to stop him strumming, and dragged him upstairs - just to shut him up'
'To be honest, I only slept with him out of politeness,' she admitted. I was not surprised - as women's labyrinthine reasons for having sex go, that's pretty basic, stock-in-trade stuff.
Perhaps men will find that a little shocking, depressing even. But they shouldn't. Indeed, they wouldn't if we hadn't all been fed a Utopian myth that men and women have sex purely because they're crazed with lust for each other - or, in a long-term partnership, because they still adore each other.
'Yawn...Still, at least this means he'll take the bins out!'
Any woman past the age of 16 knows what idealistic nonsense this is - and finally, there's research to prove it. As the Mail reported yesterday, in a new book, Why Women Have Sex, 1,000 women were interviewed about their real reasons for saying 'Yes' when they could have said 'No'. Boredom, winning favours and to get rid of a headache were high up the list.
These results suggest that comparing the intricate physiological and emotional strata of the female sex drive with the blunt male urge to 'Just do it' is like comparing a tin opener with the Large Hadron Collider.
For most women, passionate desire languishes in the lower reaches of the list, somewhere below 'to get presents from him,' 'to shut him up' and even 'for fun'.
(It's striking that there's no mention of 'Because I was drunk', yet millions of men would testify to the fact that their chances sky rocket when a woman has had a few glasses of wine.)
Given a choice, girls prefer tall men with symmetrical features and deep voices - which suggests the female sex drive is, above all, evolutionary, because they believe such men will provide them with healthy children.
But once we've realised he's lacking in other areas or the passion has ebbed away, the reasons to have sex become far more mundane, or even acquisitive, such as 'So he'll take the rubbish out' or 'Because he took me for a meal'. The key finding of the book is that men are, on some level, physically attracted to most women, yet women are left sexually cold by most men.
In this light, feminism's eagerness to persuade women to have sex only when we experience knee-trembling desire seems naive. Endless books and articles have been written extolling our right to enjoy earth-shaking orgasms amid a whirring Rolodex of thrilling positions.
Taboo: Women are still swapping sex for perks and lying back for the sake of a quiet life
But they overlook the elephant in the room - long-term, a woman's sex drive is rarely equal to a man's.
On the whole, we are not instantly aroused by a glimpse of Calvin Klein waistband. We seldom engage in heated fantasies over semi-naked strangers. Pornographic magazines for women have invariably failed, because we don't respond visually or instantly to crass sexual stimuli.
Instead, female sexual response is as intricate as a weaver bird's nest - a complex interlacing of disparate feelings, needs and promises.
Initial physical attraction may be driven by simple hormones - but later in a relationship, the primary sexual mover for many women is a desire for emotional connection.
The old chestnut that men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love has some truth: men feel validated by sexual connection; women crave understanding and closeness.
They could spend hours exploring their own most complex feelings and their partner's deepest fears and joys - and watch him quake under the onslaught. Or they can engage with him physically and reap the emotional benefits of post-coital intimacy.
The book claims 84 pc of women have sex simply to keep their partners quiet or to get help with the chores.
You may feel shocked at the hint of prostitution - the bartering of our bodies for a bit of DIY - but within a committed relationship is it truly so different from any other trade- off which ultimately nets both participants what they want?
Women have always been practical when it comes to ensuring their comfort and security - and sex is an immensely valuable commodity.
Hidden agenda: 84 pc of women interviewed have sex simply to keep their partners quiet or to get help with the chores
Some women admitted having sex 'for presents' - but I suspect that the reasons behind that bald claim are more complicated. Many women who suffer low self-esteem, or have been damaged by male rejection or even abuse, feel validated only when they're admired.
Being given gifts in return for sexual favours isn't necessarily the hardnosed horse-trading it appears, given that plenty of the women surveyed also admitted to having sex 'so that men will like them'.
Often, women who grew up fatherless or who have had chequered relationships with men find they have no blueprint for relating to men any way other than sexually.
The authors also found that women have sex in a bid to 'win' - to poach a man from another women or to secure his long-term commitment.
Then there's 'jealousy' sex, which involves having sex with someone else to re-ignite a partner's interest. Callous, yes, but most of us are not above a certain amount of low-down scheming when it comes to sex.
Less shameful triggers for liaisons include the desire for peace and quiet, to cure a headache, even just to see how sex with someone new feels - and when you come to reasons like that, it's clear that we are a long way from champagne and flowers.
So, should we really be shocked by these findings? Some people will find them refreshingly honest, others depressing. They will bemoan the fact that 40 years after Cosmopolitan explained we were supposed to have orgasms, too, women are still swapping sex for household chores and lying back for the sake of a quiet life.
The truth is that we are all victims of our biology - the human race can prosper without women's orgasms, or even any enjoyment of sex, so we have to find other reasons to make love.
Whether it's for a new carpet, out of politeness, in the search for emotional intimacy, admiration or simply because we feel like it, the end result is the same.
SO WHAT DOES MAKE US SAY YES? SIX WOMEN SHAMELESSLY REVEAL ALL
VIRGINIA IRONSIDE
I've had sex for loads of reasons, love and romance often being the motivating force.
But I do remember once being taken out to dinner by a man who inveigled me back to his flat and suggested we had sex.
I didn't fancy him, and it hadn't occurred to me to have sex with him, but he then delivered the extraordinary line: 'Oh, come on. It'll take only a couple of minutes.'
I was so astonished at this, and felt it was such a reasonable request, that I complied. And, true to his word, two minutes later it was all over!
MARCELLE D'ARGY SMITH
He arrived from Australia to stay for a couple of nights. A hugely successful, driven man who'd recently had a stroke. Yes, he was lean and attractive, but we were old friends.
I'd promised him: 'Own room, own shower, own cat.' He said he'd do without the cat.
He arrived on Saturday. We had dinner with friends. Sunday morning, as I was making him coffee in my nightdress, he suddenly kissed my back. Normally, I'd have said 'Get off' and laughed him away.
But it was a tender kiss. And I had heard that men who have had strokes and cancer lose their sexual confidence. What would it cost me to make him feel better? He was staying for only two nights. It was rather like a mercy mission. 'Go back to bed and I'll join you,' I said.
The Sunday morning sex was melting and wonderful. We stared at each other in amazement. It was the start of a poignant love affair. And it might never have happened.
Liz Jones: 'I locked my fingers in his, to stop him strumming, and dragged him upstairs - just to shut him up'
EDWINA CURRIE
I once had sex with a former Olympic athlete, just to find out what he could do that other men couldn't.
He had an almost perfect body: tall, broad-shouldered, superb thighs, a noble head. Fifty press-ups every morning kept his abdomen washboard-flat. When I whispered that he resembled Michelangelo's statue of David, he smiled: 'Yes, I've been told that before.'
The relationship waned when I noticed that rather than gazing deeply into my eyes, he was admiring his physique in the mirror. That's how I learned that an athlete's biggest attribute is his ego.
IRMA KURTZ
I was in my early 20s and was in Paris, trying to become a bohemian expatriate. I was recovering from a relationship with a Parisian.
French does not rub off in bed; I could not yet speak his language, but it had become painfully evident he had nothing to say that a besotted girl wanted to hear. Weepy and full of confusion, I ran into a tourist from New York. We had a glass of beer, a long chat and ended up in his hotel room, laughing and loving and singing old Broadway songs.
The next day we parted friends. And I learned that having sex with someone who speaks your language can ease the pangs of homesickness.
WENDY LEIGH
My second husband, a tall, dark, extremely butch American with a gravelly voice and an unbridled appetite for food and sex, had a tendency to erupt in a rage when he was deprived of either. I have to confess that most of the time I was equally voracious, but about sex and not food.
But when I was in the throes of researching a book, I was utterly consumed in my work and forgot all about sex and food. When my husband, starved of both, erupted in a rage, I had the choice of having sex with him or cooking a threecourse Sunday lunch.
So I gave him sex, rather like you give a baby a dummy, to pacify him. It worked every time.
LIZ JONES
I once dated a beautiful man: he was a musician, had amazing skin, long fingers and spoke fluent French. He was incredibly intense and serious.
One night he came to my house for dinner. After our meal, he sat on the floor with his guitar and started to sing to me in French.
It was all far too romantic. I didn't know where to look: gazing into his eyes was too embarrassing, so I just looked out of the window.
When he got to the third verse, I thought: 'I can't stand any more of this.' So I locked my fingers in his, to stop him strumming, and dragged him upstairs - just to shut him up.
P.S. - AND HERE'S WHY MEN HAVE SEX
Reading the list of reasons why women sleep with men, I couldn't help but wonder: don't they ever do it because they like us? Does desire mean anything to them? Because it certainly does to men.
In our youth, desire can be indiscriminate. A young man's relationship with his sex drive is like a dog-walker's with an ill-disciplined dog: he's led from pillar to post without hope of discipline or control. Some men, no matter how old they are, will never stop chasing women for sex. But for most of us it's different. We've realised that girls, instead of being the pointless, silly creatures we took them for, are the most amazing, fascinating, desirable creatures on the planet.
Sex and the City age: Men fear that every act of love will be analysed over cocktails like a Premiership game on Match Of The Day
They can make your heart soar with a glance and crush your spirit with a sneer. Women don't have to do anything to hold men in their power. Just existing is enough. Why else would men have written countless poems and love songs; why else would they have painted them, sculpted them, gone to war for them?
It's men, not women, who are the true romantics. We want sex because it feels great, reinforces our selfworth and, for us, physical intimacy is the proof and expression of emotional intimacy: to be denied sex is to be cast out.
This makes sex as frightening as it is intoxicating. We hate to admit it, but we are dependent on women and worry about our ability to satisfy them.
In this Sex And The City age, we fear that every act of love will be analysed over cocktails like a Premiership game on Match Of The Day. Over time, lust and capacity fade. So sometimes we have sex just to prove we can. But most of all, ladies, we want sex because we love you.
DAVID THOMAS
Comments (112)
"We've realised that girls, instead of being the pointless, silly creatures we took them for, are the most amazing, fascinating, desirable creatures on the planet." - Not on the basis of the article above, they're not. Selfish would be nearer the mark. "sex is an immensely valuable commodity" - Not if you value a relationship!
- Dave, Canterbury UK, 15/9/2009 14:10
Click to rate Rating 2
I LOVE how it's all men leaving comments here! Now we know who the majority of readers of the Femail section are!!
- Hanna Lazetta, Edinburgh, 09/9/2009 21:32
Click to rate Rating 7
Who cares, as long as you get laid?
- Gary, London, England, 09/9/2009 20:59
Click to rate Rating 1
I only slept with him out of politeness you say, what utter rubbish. To me the best part of sex is getting a woman aroused to the point she feels that she's going to explode with desire. To prolong that desire and to feel the person's body wringing with the need to complete an orgasm for hours on end is fantastic. I get as much out as I get back by making that person feel very, very special. But that just me.
- Carl Barron, Christchurch, Dorset, 09/9/2009 14:47
Click to rate Rating 16
Excited I went to that meadow, And there my lover came to me: I was received - Oh Holy Mary! That I'm in blissful ecstasy! Does he kiss me? - Thousand times! Tra la la la! See my lips - how red they shine! That he lay with me if someone knew. O my God! - Oh, how ashamed I'd be. What he did to me - no one, for true, Should know about but him and me ... And a tiny little bird - Tra la la la! That, I trust, will say no word. (Walther von der Vogelweide -1230 AD - & me still in congenial mood today)
- Joan Boost, Hong Kong, 09/9/2009 11:59
Click to rate Rating 6
...has it ever occurred that Men also promise and do things to get sex?! Coin. Flip. Side. It's a pretty big omission (and one that has been well documented throughout time) on behalf of the writer, don't you think?!? Clever men (can identify and know how to) avoid women who are more than likely to do this, though all are probably guilty of it at some point.
- M Connaughton, Manchester, UK, 09/9/2009 09:21
Click to rate Rating 16
- Gary, London, England, 09/9/2009 20:59
Click to rate Rating 1
I only slept with him out of politeness you say, what utter rubbish. To me the best part of sex is getting a woman aroused to the point she feels that she's going to explode with desire. To prolong that desire and to feel the person's body wringing with the need to complete an orgasm for hours on end is fantastic. I get as much out as I get back by making that person feel very, very special. But that just me.
- Carl Barron, Christchurch, Dorset, 09/9/2009 14:47
Click to rate Rating 16
Excited I went to that meadow, And there my lover came to me: I was received - Oh Holy Mary! That I'm in blissful ecstasy! Does he kiss me? - Thousand times! Tra la la la! See my lips - how red they shine! That he lay with me if someone knew. O my God! - Oh, how ashamed I'd be. What he did to me - no one, for true, Should know about but him and me ... And a tiny little bird - Tra la la la! That, I trust, will say no word. (Walther von der Vogelweide -1230 AD - & me still in congenial mood today)
- Joan Boost, Hong Kong, 09/9/2009 11:59
Click to rate Rating 6
...has it ever occurred that Men also promise and do things to get sex?! Coin. Flip. Side. It's a pretty big omission (and one that has been well documented throughout time) on behalf of the writer, don't you think?!? Clever men (can identify and know how to) avoid women who are more than likely to do this, though all are probably guilty of it at some point.
- M Connaughton, Manchester, UK, 09/9/2009 09:21
Click to rate Rating 16
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Should I Call Him?
I didn't write this...I just like it. So, here you go!
I've done it myself. I've called a guy after a great date. Is that so wrong? Actually, most of the time it might be. Complicated isn't it, this world of communications between men and women. How about texting? Is that ok? What about calling after a certain amount of time. Is that ok? Is it impossible to figure this all out? Are you doomed to being powerless? Absolutely not!
There are some basic rules and information that can help you make the right moves and keep the worry monster away.
1. If he calls and you aren't available, return the call. It's polite, it's friendly and it's the right thing to do. If you like him, this may be his time to ask you out and if you wait too long, he may think you are not interested. If you aren't interested, call him anyway. It's the right thing to do and at some point you have to learn to do the hard things in life such as telling a nice guy, "I like you , and thanks for asking me out again, but I didn't feel we had enough in common to move on to a second date."
2. You had a great date and he isn't calling. Should you call him the next day and thank him? NO! I hope you thanked him on the night of the date. Now, you wait.
3. Why are there rules? Why is a man the one who should call after a date? Hasn't the world changed? Yes, of course the world has changed in many wonderful ways for men and women. But calling after a date isn't one of them - and that's not a bad thing. Every game has rules and the dating game is no different. Play by the rules and everyone is comfortable. That's why you don't see people in restaurants standing on tables and yelling - the rules of eating out require you not act like that. They also require using utensils properly and speaking in a quiet tone of voice. The world runs smoother this way.
And the same is true of communications between men and women. Is it fair? Actually, yes. Rules allow you to know where you stand in the game of dating. If he doesn't call you after a date, you know he doesn't want to go out again. At least not now. Ok, that's a bummer - but it frees you up to move on to the one who can't wait to call you and see you again after a date.
Men are different! They like the thrill of the chase. Let him chase you until you catch him!
Communications are critical - we all have to talk or send signals or we won't know what to do and what is going on. But understanding some basic psychology of gender differences can make it or break it in the dating game.
If you really need to talk about "the night before" - call a friend. Tell her the good, the bad, and the ugly. And then, go play a game of tennis or do some work, or call another friend. Go have a life - the more you do that, the less you will care if he calls, and the happier you will be whether he does or not. Life is not lived on the cell (not completely anyway!). So go do something and see how interesting you are to him when he calls and you are out doing something!
I've done it myself. I've called a guy after a great date. Is that so wrong? Actually, most of the time it might be. Complicated isn't it, this world of communications between men and women. How about texting? Is that ok? What about calling after a certain amount of time. Is that ok? Is it impossible to figure this all out? Are you doomed to being powerless? Absolutely not!
There are some basic rules and information that can help you make the right moves and keep the worry monster away.
1. If he calls and you aren't available, return the call. It's polite, it's friendly and it's the right thing to do. If you like him, this may be his time to ask you out and if you wait too long, he may think you are not interested. If you aren't interested, call him anyway. It's the right thing to do and at some point you have to learn to do the hard things in life such as telling a nice guy, "I like you , and thanks for asking me out again, but I didn't feel we had enough in common to move on to a second date."
2. You had a great date and he isn't calling. Should you call him the next day and thank him? NO! I hope you thanked him on the night of the date. Now, you wait.
3. Why are there rules? Why is a man the one who should call after a date? Hasn't the world changed? Yes, of course the world has changed in many wonderful ways for men and women. But calling after a date isn't one of them - and that's not a bad thing. Every game has rules and the dating game is no different. Play by the rules and everyone is comfortable. That's why you don't see people in restaurants standing on tables and yelling - the rules of eating out require you not act like that. They also require using utensils properly and speaking in a quiet tone of voice. The world runs smoother this way.
And the same is true of communications between men and women. Is it fair? Actually, yes. Rules allow you to know where you stand in the game of dating. If he doesn't call you after a date, you know he doesn't want to go out again. At least not now. Ok, that's a bummer - but it frees you up to move on to the one who can't wait to call you and see you again after a date.
Men are different! They like the thrill of the chase. Let him chase you until you catch him!
Communications are critical - we all have to talk or send signals or we won't know what to do and what is going on. But understanding some basic psychology of gender differences can make it or break it in the dating game.
If you really need to talk about "the night before" - call a friend. Tell her the good, the bad, and the ugly. And then, go play a game of tennis or do some work, or call another friend. Go have a life - the more you do that, the less you will care if he calls, and the happier you will be whether he does or not. Life is not lived on the cell (not completely anyway!). So go do something and see how interesting you are to him when he calls and you are out doing something!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
'Tis the season...for a "Plus One"
'Tis the season for cocktails, festivals, get-togethers, soirees, and parties. So far, every invitation I've received this holiday season has included the dreaded "Plus One." I'm sure I can ask around and find some fine, outstanding gentlemen who will attend these functions with me. But I think that it sure would be nice to not have to ask around...it would be nice to know who the frig that "Plus One" person is, all of the time.
Because I'm feeling blah and bah humbug-ish today, here's a quote from Neil Gaiman:
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
Blah, blah, blah...I think I may swing by the mall and buy myself some Godiva. Chocolate truffles ALWAYS make a lady feel better! Or, better yet, I could buy some new shoes... :)
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Back to Blogging - with a twist!
The blog is back, with a twist! I'm trying to move away from my own personal dating stories, and towards something a little more engaging that others can be involved in (if they want). You'll still get to read about some of my own dating experiences, but also "Ask Ash" (Q & A), "Today's Lesson" (dating advice, what I've learned, etc.), "You Tell Me" (I ask my friends about their own dating experiences), "What's Hip 'n Happening" (where to go, what to do, what to wear), "Quote of the Day", humor, and more. TONS of STUFF!
Of course, I am still following the 4 Man Plan. I've met some really nice guys over the last couple of months, and a few duds along the way. But it's okay - it's all part of the plan.
If you are unfamiliar with the 4MP, here's how it goes (Check out The Four Man Plan by Cindy Lu):
"The Four Man Plan teaches you the basics of love as they should have been taught in school. The only requirement is a desire to take charge of your love life and doing something about it.
The point of the plan is to make sure you give yourself the best chance of meeting Mr Right. It’s like a 21st-century dance card – and your aim is to keep it full.
Your mission is to meet as many men as possible, and then see which of them are worth taking more seriously. Any man who shows an interest in you, or any man that you are interested in, basically any man that you exchange an email address or phone # with, starts off as a Quarter Man. You know his name, single status, and a way to contact each other. Go out and casually collect your Quarter Men like you collect quarters. When you see one that is unclaimed, pick it up. When you lose one in the soda machine, kick it to see if it will spit out a different one. Quarter Men are everywhere. Keep a few in your pocket. They are no big deal.
This plan is not about being aloof. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO MAKE FIRST CONTACT. If you dig him and you want to call, call once. If you do not dig him, give him your number anyway and wait for him to call you. A man loses his Quarter Man status if he doesn't contact you for two weeks. He may be reassigned as a Quarter Man if he contacts you later - if you have room on your dance card.
Of course, I am still following the 4 Man Plan. I've met some really nice guys over the last couple of months, and a few duds along the way. But it's okay - it's all part of the plan.
If you are unfamiliar with the 4MP, here's how it goes (Check out The Four Man Plan by Cindy Lu):
"The Four Man Plan teaches you the basics of love as they should have been taught in school. The only requirement is a desire to take charge of your love life and doing something about it.
The point of the plan is to make sure you give yourself the best chance of meeting Mr Right. It’s like a 21st-century dance card – and your aim is to keep it full.
Your mission is to meet as many men as possible, and then see which of them are worth taking more seriously. Any man who shows an interest in you, or any man that you are interested in, basically any man that you exchange an email address or phone # with, starts off as a Quarter Man. You know his name, single status, and a way to contact each other. Go out and casually collect your Quarter Men like you collect quarters. When you see one that is unclaimed, pick it up. When you lose one in the soda machine, kick it to see if it will spit out a different one. Quarter Men are everywhere. Keep a few in your pocket. They are no big deal.
This plan is not about being aloof. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO MAKE FIRST CONTACT. If you dig him and you want to call, call once. If you do not dig him, give him your number anyway and wait for him to call you. A man loses his Quarter Man status if he doesn't contact you for two weeks. He may be reassigned as a Quarter Man if he contacts you later - if you have room on your dance card.
A man remains a Quarter Man until he is promoted or demoted.
How Men Get Promoted - 1. After at least one date you tell him that you are seeing other men (1/2 man) 2. You let him feel your boobies (Whole Man) 3. You let him hide his salami (Two and a 1/4 Man)
How Men Get Demoted - 1. They give you the ickies - Use your intuition. Ickies include a) The very specific feeling where they make you feel bad about yourself somehow. b) They manage to treat you like crap and then make you feel guilty about it. c) They clearly are not honest, loving, or willing. d) Generation Gap (+/- 15 years) e) They make you fear for your safety. 2. They drop out on their own. You cannot pursue a drop out man except the two-date minimum phone call. A 4MPlanner doesn't chase, does not beg, does not stalk. There just isn't time or energy to waste. There are lots of available men out there. 3. They are squeezed out of the plan for lack of space. 4. You sleep with __ (a)__, then you meet __(b)__, and oops! you sleep with him too. You must demote ___(a)___, as you are only allowed to sleep with one man at a time. 5. They are ineligible (married, engaged, dating someone else)."
Ask Ashley
Q. "My date was totally not my type. He wants to go out again. Do I have to go?"
A. Yes. You ALWAYS accept the second date. Even if you don't want to go. Why? According to the 4 Man Plan, you must follow the two-date minimum. Some of the most HONEST, LOVING, and WILLING men make a terrible first impression. On first dates, people are often nervous or playing it safe. So, buck up and accept the fact that if you are going on a first date, you are going on a second date whether you like him or not.
Today's Lesson
A. Yes. You ALWAYS accept the second date. Even if you don't want to go. Why? According to the 4 Man Plan, you must follow the two-date minimum. Some of the most HONEST, LOVING, and WILLING men make a terrible first impression. On first dates, people are often nervous or playing it safe. So, buck up and accept the fact that if you are going on a first date, you are going on a second date whether you like him or not.
Today's Lesson
A few pointers from my all time favorite book, "He's Just Not That Into You" - These do not necessarily apply to your Quarter Men, but they do apply to 1/2 Men, Whole Men, and 2 1/4 Men...
1. Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
2. If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
3. If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind.
4. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he's okay with disappointing you.
5. "Busy" is another word for "asshole." "Asshole" is another word for the guy you're dating. You deserve a fucking phone call.
6. There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he's your boyfriend. Quit fucking around and go find him.
7. If you're tempted to spend countless nights just cuddling with someone, buy a puppy.
8. There is no excuse for cheating. Let me say it again. There is no excuse for cheating. Now you say it. There is no excuse for cheating. A cheater only cheats himself, because he doesn't get to be with you.
9. There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.
10. No answer is your answer.
11. Unless he is all yours, he's still hers.
12. You already have one asshole. You don't need another.
1. Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
2. If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
3. If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind.
4. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he's okay with disappointing you.
5. "Busy" is another word for "asshole." "Asshole" is another word for the guy you're dating. You deserve a fucking phone call.
6. There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he's your boyfriend. Quit fucking around and go find him.
7. If you're tempted to spend countless nights just cuddling with someone, buy a puppy.
8. There is no excuse for cheating. Let me say it again. There is no excuse for cheating. Now you say it. There is no excuse for cheating. A cheater only cheats himself, because he doesn't get to be with you.
9. There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.
10. No answer is your answer.
11. Unless he is all yours, he's still hers.
12. You already have one asshole. You don't need another.
You Tell Me
"What is the most romatic thing anyone has ever said to you?" I'll start with myself...since I haven't had the chance to ask any of my friends about this yet. (Hey! Give me a break! This is new!) An ex once wrote the following to me...(well, he sent it in a text, but still...):
"How's this to clear things up: I can't get you out of my mind. I keep running my phone battery down looking at your pictures. I miss the way you smell. I'm glad I'm driving back towards you. And isn't it funny how when you least expect it, life surprises you with exactly what you need?"
Wow, that's pretty good stuff. (I wonder what he is up to nowadays!)
What's Hip 'n Happening?
Friday, December 4 - Saturday, December 5. Five Points Festivus. Celebrate the Holiday season in true Five Points style this year during "Five Points Festivus". From traditional holiday cheer to fun Festivus events, this is the place to be on December 4 & 5, 2009! From the Airing of Grievances Tour to the Feats of Strength - Festivus 2009 will be a great event! Who else could pull off a Festivus? "It's a Festivus Miracle!" Visit Five Points for additional information.
Through Sunday, December 6. The Junior League of Columbia's 24th Annual Holiday Market. 'Tis the Season to Shop 'til you drop. With over 90 merchants, you are sure to find the perfect gifts for friends and family this holiday season. Mark your calendars because there are a few new additions to help make this year's Holiday Market even more special and exciting than ever before! Visit the Junior League of Columbia for more information.
Thursday, December 10. 'The Boykin Spaniel' Book Signing! Just in time for the Holidays, Ed's Editions is hosting a book signing with Mike Creel and Lynn Kelley for the re-issue of 'The Boykin Spaniel' from 3:30-5:30 pm.. This is the 1st of only two signings that will take place in Columbia so you don't want to miss the opportunity to get your hands on a great gift! After you get your copy signed, make your way around the store because the Annual Christmas Sale will be going on! Receive 25% off inventory from December 8th-12th! Ed's Editions is located at 406 Meeting Street in West Columbia. Call 803-791-8002 or visit Ed's Editions for more information.
Opening Friday, December 4. RENT. Trustus Theatre proudly presents this performance that follows a group of impoverished young artists and musicians who struggle to survive and create in New York's Lower East Side in the thriving days of Bohemian Alphabet City, under the shadow of AIDS. RENT runs through December 13 as well as January 7-23. Visit Trustus Theatre for more information.
Cantina 76 - I had lunch at Cantina 76 for the first time earlier this week. Deee-lish! Check them out! Now open for lunch and dinner. Serving a taqueria based menu in a lively atmosphere.
2901-A Devine Street Columbia, SC, 29205
Phone:
803-708-6004
Mon - Fri:
11:30 am - 3:00 pm 5:00 pm - 10:00 pm
Sat:
11:30 am - 10:00 pm
Sun:
12:00 am - 10:00 pm
Quote of the Day
You set yourself up for happiness or you set yourself up for sadness. Either way, it’s your doing. - Girls' Poker Night
Horoscopes for Saturday, Dec 5
Aries
March 21-April 19
It might not be obvious to you at first today, but there are ample opportunities around you. Look about, because it'll be up to you to search them out.
Taurus
April 20-May 20
Depending upon just how you attempt to get your points across today will depend upon whether they're well received or not. You might make your case, but create an enemy in the process.
Gemini
May 21-June 21
Unless you're careful today a friend or an associate could drag you down a path where you might suffer a financial loss of some kind. Don't blindly follow your pals.
Cancer
June 22-July 22
Be particularly careful with whom you pal around today. The wrong types could draw you into a situation not of your making, but for which you can be held accountable.
Leo
July 23-August 22
Do what is asked of you, and then butt out. Only virtuous intentions will stand up under today's aspects, so be honest with yourself as to what your true motives are when you go after something that affects others.
Virgo
August 23-September 22
In the days ahead you could be exposed to a spate of unusual opportunities that could better your lot in life. If you don't take advantage of at least one of them, it'll be your own fault.
Libra
September 23-October 22
Someone with whom you'll be involved at work or with your career could come up with an ingenious idea today that would involve you. It might have a few flaws, but they can be corrected.
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Today could be a fun, social day for you, so long as you don't impose yourself on anyone you know on a purely social basis to grant you favors businesswise. Keep the two separate.
Sagittarius
November 22-December 21
Some kind of matter you had considered to be overwhelming might prove to be less intimidating today. However, don't become overconfident either.
Capricorn
December 22-January 19
When the going gets tough, the touch gets going is the old saying, and that's exactly what you'll do today. Trouble is, you could throw away all that you've gained on someone undeserving.
Aquarius
January 20-February 18
Doing things independently of others will yield you greater luck today than when you attempt to work in tandem. Try to involve yourself in the former as much as possible.
Pisces
February 19-March 20
Where you can be right on target today will be with issues that deal with the home, family and security. However, if you try to incorporate hunches, it'll draw you off course.
Happy Dating! Muah! Ash
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
